50 Things Emmett Cullen must NOT do
by mariakristina
Summary: Just another one of those lists, how hilarious is Emmett? He's one of my personal faves, I have a soft spot for the silly ones XD


_50 things Emmett Cullen must NOT do._

_1) Pour sardine oil into the vents of Edward's Volvo._

_2) Use Jasper's toothbrush to clean his engine parts._

_3) Tail Mike three paces back and mimic everything he does (from the way he walks, to the expressions he makes)_

_4) Picture Rosalie giving Bella a massage in Edward's presence._

_5) Change the sign that says 'Welcome to Forks' to 'Welcome to __**Fork ME**__'_

_6) Change the sign that says 'Welcome to La Push' to 'Welcome to La Push __**Me**__'_

_7) Hide all of Rosalie's underwear_

_8) Then tell her the underwear gnomes stole them_

_9) Then cry and exclaim that if vampires and werewolves are real, why can't there be underwear gnomes_

_10) Stock Rosalie's underwear drawer with granny panties and claim that he think's they're sexy_

_11) Graffiti "I AM THE UNDERPANTS GNOME" on the back of Edward's Aston_

_12) Then blame it all on Jasper_

_13) Rearrange Alice's wardrobe_

_14) Throw out all her favourite shoes and bags and claim they are "out of season"_

_15) Tell her Jasper likes when she dresses in clothes from Walmart_

_16) Tell Bella that Tanya is coming to visit_

_17) Tell Bella that Tanya's only visiting Edward… in the shower_

_18) Ask his biology teacher where babies come from_

_19) Accuse his biology teacher of lying, saying that the stork brings them_

_20) Ask Lauren if he can try out for the cheerleading team_

_21) Speak to the school guidance councillor and seriously ask him if he thinks that 'exotic dancing scout' is a good occupation_

_22) Stick a "Bloody Volvo Driver" bumper sticker on the back of Edward's car_

_23) And on his locker_

_24) And on the seat of his pants_

_25) Plant handcuffs, duct tape and chocolate body lotion in Bella's locker_

_26) Tell her Edward put them there_

_27) Call Jacob and tell him that Bella thinks he'd look sexy with his nipples pierced_

_28) Tell Jacob (after he's had his nipples pierced) that he was the one who thought Jacob would look sexy with them pierced and offer to massage them if they got sore._

_29) Tell Bella that Edward has a fetish for girls who talked in baby talk_

_30) Tell the girl scouts who come to the door that he can't buy any cookies because he'd just had Nemo for dinner_

_31) Then show them the picture off the net of Nemo as Sushi_

_32) Walk along the border of La Push in a faux wolf skin jacket_

_33) Claim that he was practicing for a role as the woodcutter from little red riding hood (after Billy calls Carlisle)_

_34) Sing "This is the song that never ends" in a high pitched voice_

_35) Sing "This is the song that never ends" in a high pitched voice for a day_

_36) Sing "This is the song that never ends" in a high pitched voice for a week_

_37) Sing "This is the song that never ends" in a high pitched voice period._

_38) Wear Carlisle's Doctor's coat and stethoscope to school and claim that he's "Dr Love"_

_39) Ask the girls if anyone needs a "physical"_

_40) Tell the school guidance councillor that Edward has a body issues and thinks that he doesn't eat much_

_41) Encourage Edward at lunch to eat all the food the guidance councillor has put in front of him_

_42) Suggest a "pimps and ho's" theme for prom_

_43) Change Edward's facebook profile name to 'Count Chocula'_

_44) Steal Mike's camera phone and take pictures down his pants_

_45) Then put said pictures on Edwards facebook profile_

_46) List himself in a relationship on facebook with Mike_

_47) After Mike confronts him, change the status to 'It's complicated'_

_48) Replace the hair wax Edward uses with bacon grease_

_49) Dye all of Jasper's white shirts pink_

_50) Then tell him that he was doing him a favour because Alice thinks guys in pink shirts are sexy_

Edward, Jasper and Alice huddled around the neatly written list. Jasper pushed it away and glanced down at his pink shirt, scowling.

"You look sexy in any coloured shirt," Alice soothed, rubbing his arm.

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you have seen this coming?" he questioned.

Alice's eyes narrowed. "Shouldn't you have read his mind before he messed with your facebook account?"

"Touche."

All three vampires glanced at the highway.

"Bella's three minutes away," Alice stated, still tracing her hand up and down Jasper's arm.

"Where is the moron hiding anyway?" Jasper questioned. "I haven't seen him all afternoon."

"Hmm," Edward pressed his lips together in a thin line. "He's probably up to no good."

The three vampires sighed in unison. The sound of Bella's decrepit truck increased in volume and stopped abruptly as she reached the front of their house. As quick as lightening, Edward rushed out to meet her.

"Hey guys," Bella greeted Alice and Jasper, moments later. 'What's happening?"

Alice and Jasper pointed to the piece of paper and Bella nodded knowingly.

"Another Emmett list?" she said in a resigned tone.

"It won't work," Rosalie said as she entered the room and primly sat on the couch. "Even after almost a century, he never pays those lists any heed."

A sharp ringing interrupted their conversation and Bella reached into her pocket to retrieve the cell phone in question.

"Hi Dad," she murmered.

Alice gasped and left the room. Edward cussed under his breath as Rosalie and Jasper looked on in confusion. Seconds later, Alice returned with a fresh piece of paper.

Bella continued to listen to Charlie and her brow furrowed in confusion.

"There was what?" she asked in disbelief.

Rosalie smirked and Jasper took the piece of paper from Alice and started on a new list.

_50 things Emmett Cullen WILL NOT do_

_1) Call in anonymous tips to Police Chief Swan about spotting a silver Volvo driving recklessly in the town of forks._

* * *

**LoL. Emmett is so funny! I enjoy reading the various lists of Emmett that I thought I'd do one too, just for fun. Please review, it's always nice to see comments :) xox**


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